I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
