What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
last night I used snow as a chaser
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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