My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she smelled like a LAN party
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
