New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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