I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
