I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
