3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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