You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
