My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
