Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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