I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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