Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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