The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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