The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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