Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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