Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
