Your dad touched me again.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
