I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
