my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
