I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
