i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Randomize
