Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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