just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
