Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
