thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
