the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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