oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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