i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
