My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she told me i tasted like america
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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