planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
