i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
