the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
