Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
