The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
