i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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