I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
