Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
