Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
