He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Come see our sink grown plant.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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