I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
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That's how twitter works, right?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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