Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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