If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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