So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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