We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
