I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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