The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My vagina is officially offended.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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