why didn't you poke me back
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
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