sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
