Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
