yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I deserve this hangover.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
