I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Congratulations! We have a period
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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