I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
