i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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