No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
