Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
