I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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