Duck Duck Cougar?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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