I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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