there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
