he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You are the jesus of drinking
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
