I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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