This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
