I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
