I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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